We all have them. Pesky fears, presumptuous failure, all of those thoughts in your mind that tell you you can’t do something. So you give in and sit on the couch and begin constantly searching for something else. Something else that can fill that void and be that almost something that you really want. The almost something that will make you happy in the short term, maybe for years, but won’t satisfy that growing intense longing.
Sometimes you get what you want. You realize it. You dig it out of your bones and cry and deliberate how you can get it until you’re blue in the face and ta-da -- you figure it out and finally have it. But now that fear of failure seeps into your bones until you can’t do what you always wanted to do, what you carved time in your life for, what you want, need.
This is what I’ve been battling. It’s crippling, really. And I just spent a half hour whining about it to my husband which was enough time to sit back down to my computer and realize - HELLO, SNAP OUT OF IT. Fear of failure is everywhere, hindering you from staying true to your inner desires and becoming the best person you can be. Life gets in the way, people get in the way, ideas and expectations you set for yourself get in your way. And it’s crippling.
I’ve heard it all from other small business owners: it’s hard to do everything as a one-woman show, you have to try a dozen things and then try a dozen more, nothing ever is settled and easy. I listened to all of this advice and more when I started my business and honestly, I got really tired of it. I knew it was going to be hard. I didn’t need to hear it 10,000 times. I wasn’t naive to that fact, but I was also coming out of a job that had completely burnt me out and I was running on fumes -- big black ones that followed me into my new business. So, yes, I knew it was going to be hard, but I also knew it was going to be rewarding.
Lately, I’ve been struggling to find that reward that drew me to begin my business in the first place. No job is perfect or 100% what we want it to be, but I wasn’t creating, or finding joy in finishing the projects I started. They fell flat, stale. I missed writing, and I wanted to come back to this blog kicking and screaming and providing awesome content that I was really excited for, but I forgot how to hustle, I was afraid of the stress that burnt me out so hard in my old job that thinking about becoming stressed in my new, precious, sweet little illustration business actually made me stressed out and fear working hard. How could I fear that? I was the hardest worker I knew. I was a perfectionist and A+ student and high achiever, but all of that felt hard, heavy.
And while I haven’t blogged in a month, I have written things. Several posts are started and more ideas are building up in my Trello lists. And I just want to be real, here, because I can tell you that I want to have a professional, clean and polished blog that inspires, but honestly, I can’t do that without sharing much more than I have ever been willing to. A lot of that requires me to bust down these walls that I built in my mind and share where I’m at and what I’m going through. I’m an extremely emotional person. It’s hard for me not to put that into my work, into my writing, into my ideas. They’re always encompassing me. My feelings are my memories, create my present moment, push me forward and hold me back.
So, this is me, back to blogging. I’m terrified, but I built this baby and I would be 100 times more angry and upset with myself if I gave into fear and gave up than I would if I shared my heart and soul and kept chugging.
See you soon. There will be more drawing ideas, because I love creating them. There will be more inspiration, and more real life.